"Whoa whoa, slow down there, tiger," said Gabriel, trying to get me to stop contineously punching him. He is a terrible rookie, what can I say?
"Punch me back, what are you waiting for?" I said, starting to get impatient.
"Na, I feel wrong to hurt you-"
"You won't hurt me, trust me. Come on, give it your best shot," I put both my arms behind my back, leaving my torso, and face exposed for a punch at any second. And all he did was just tap me a little bit. This made me furious, so I pushed him.
"Come on! You wanted to be my partner, didn't you? How would you expect to win if you'd get zero points by the end of the game?? Punch me!"
"All right all right, jeez. What a fierce little girl," he smirked again. He took the battle position, and was waiting till I start throwing the punches. And boy was I surprised, because he blocked every single one. Even ones that the other boxers would never see coming.
"Are you done yet?" he smiled victoriously.
"I will be done when the class is done." I continued to punch him, hoping I'd get at least one lousy little point. Why does he keep staring at me funny? I can't even make eye contact with him that much anymore. It's as if he's trying to read me, it's as if he sees right through me.
"Do you have some personal agenda against Kris?" I looked up at him, and saw how stern he was looking at me, waiting for an answer.
"What's it to you? Did she send you out here to be her little messanger or something?" Something Kris has done before. The most popular guy in school, who at that time I didn't know was friends with Kris, decided to call me. How he got my number? I was too flustered at that time to start reasoning what exactly was going on and how that happened. He started to flirt with me, and like an idiot, I flirted back. Not because I liked him, or even found him all that attractive. It was only because in that particular day, I was dying from boredom. And he seemed fairly entertaining. I'd take it that he mastered in flirting, because he seemed like he can make just about any girl excited. The next day in school everybody was pointing and laughing at me, and I didn't understand why. Until I found out they recorded everything that happened, and there were like five other guys on the line, muted, histerically laughing at the fact that I actually thought someone like him would like me. The reason why Evil Kris would ever do something like that, was to try to prove to everyone that I really was a slut, and that I would go for any guy that would come my way. Well, more like "throw" myself on any guy that would come my way. I didn't show up to school for two weeks after that. Talk about ruining my senior year in high school.
"I just saw the way you kept looking at her after, well.. you know. And I saw your little quirrel too," he looked uncomfortable. Why would he look uncomfortable? He's the one that screwed her, not me.
"Are you analyzing me again? I thought I asked you to stop that." I crossed my arms, and pressed my lips together. But something inside me wanted to actually, for one second, tell him what happened. The way he looks at me makes me believe that he actually wants to listen. 
"Right. Forgot. Anyway, I was wondering, would you want to go out for some coffee or something?" Does he WANT to get rejected?
"I don't do relationships. And because I don't do relationships, I prevent myself from dating, just so I won't lead people on. It gets too problematic if things like that actually go on. I like to stay away from problematic." I spoke like a robot, as if I got these few lines memorized after repeating them several times.
"Oookay, are you like a lesbianca or something?" he looked puzzled, completely clueless as to why anyone would refuse to fall in love.
"I might as well be." I said, smiling, "Not like it would make a difference for you."
"So why does it have to be a date? Let's just go out, like friends, ya'know." His persistancy for the past several days is getting annoying and cute at the same time. I haven't met too many persistant people in my lifetime, usually they'd give up by now. Before I got a chance to answer, I saw Ethan walking my way from the corner of my eye. And just in a matter of seconds, I forgot all about what just went on between me and this Prince Julio right over here.
"Um, Wayven, I don't wanna be rude or anyting, but your phone keeps winging. Maybe it's impowtent," he pointed over to my bag while saying this. I wasn't too excited about this, because last time that happened I had cops bambarding my house. I walked slowly, hoping, for a change, that it would actually be my mother complaining about how I never take care of my father anymore. But it wasn't. It was a weird number, and again. It left a voice mail so I decided to hear it out.

"Hi, Raven Leus, this is Paricia calling from General Preston Hospital., regarding Michael Smith's health. We were given this number as a reference from Michael himself.... "

My hands starting shaking. What's going on? Why does Mike have anything to do with hospitals? 

"He was found stranded in the forest by the bay with another young gentlemen. We are afraid we found him completely drugged. He would've died if he didn't come in early enough. If you would like to pay a visit..."

I quickly, without much thought, ripped out a piece of paper and grabbed a pen laying around on the floor. My mind is racing, wondering what would drive Mike to do something so stupid? Usually I'm the mess up, not him! I wanted to strangle Xavier at that point, I knew that kid was no good. Damn it damn it damn it. I jotted down the room number he was staying at, and turned around to Gabriel, who was practically breathing down my back.

"You drive?"
"Yeah... why? Is everything ok?"
"I'll go out on that date with you if you drive me all the way downtown to GPH," I turned to Ethan, "Sweetheart, grab your stuff. We're finally gonna pay your Mikey a friendly visit.

Shit. I'm late. Not the best way ever to start school, skipping so much. So much for becoming a wonderful studen this year. I throw on my clothes and almost run out off my house with no shoes on. There was a point where I actually thought I was good when put under pressure, but that theory is definitely getting thrown out in the trash. I kept trying to phone Mike, but he's constantly ignoring it. Either he lost his phone, or his noggins, and I think it's the latter. Good thing I'm athletic, because running is definitely a must, unless I want to skip my second period as well. Second period is english, and that's the class I share with Grey. Which is very great, because I can use a friend right about now. Besides, I really miss her. She's been out of my life lately, and I hate every part of it. I miss how things used to be between us, when we actually had not just a period together, but all day. We were practically inseperable. I remember how when my grandmother came to visit, and I couldn't stand it due to the fact that she had this unbreakable need to baby me around, I ended up in one way or another, living in Grey's house. But that's when things were normal in her house. Her father has rarely been in her life, but still sort of molded it as well, due to the fact that he was absent so much. He is what we call, bipolar, without actually being diagnosed with it. In which sense that he would leave his family whenever he felt like it, and whenever he missed it oh so unbaringly, he would come back. Which obviously would leave any child confused. But that isn't what exactly changed in her household. What really changed is her mother's supernova diva attitude. She slaved Grey around, making her do all the chores that needs to be done, just because she was so miserable with her own life. And she never, not once, showed any sign of appreciation for all of Grey's work. She would just tell Grey to try harder, perhaps maybe because she's missing a heart. Her husband ripped it away from her. See? Stupid relationships. But besides that, I know nothing of what goes on in her family. She never felt comfortable enough to tell me. All I know is that it can't be all that great, considering how emotionally unstable Grey always was in her life. I don't think she ever forgave me for what happened, and I don't blame her. Knowing her side of the story, I'd hate myself too. And it drives me insane how something so stupid can kill such a strong relationship. I hate that she doesn't feel comfortable enough to tell me stories anymore. I hate how painfully awkward it gets sometimes with her. I wish I could turn back time and burn Jack's presence out of mine and hers life. He ruined everything.
When I finally got to the class, it was attendance time. I sat by Grey, and something about her looked different. Did she change around her make up or something?
"What's up with you and those huge bags of darkness under your eyes? Had a fight with your eyeliner?" Grey whispered, probably to break the tension.
"I was at Kris's party yesterday with Mike and his lover," I told her, straightforwardly. She might as well know. The worst thing that can happen is for her to dislike me more.
"Who's party? I thought you hated her. I thought we hated her."
"We did. I mean, we do. I dont know what got over me, I'm just sick of drama. That's it."
"I see.. Whatever floats your boat, Raven. Sometimes I feel like I can't even keep up with you anymore."
Awkward. Awkward. What do I say to that? I just don't reply. Good thing the teacher's about to start class. But that didn't stop her much, sometimes I feel intimidated by her unpredictable nature to suddenly blurt out her feelings. And I never know how to react to them! I'm terrible with confrontations, because I never know which way to turn. Do I become harsh, and tell them what the truth really is, do I become sympathetic, because that's what friends should do? Do I give her false hope, that things will be 10000000% percent better, only to know that she'd deal with more disappointments? She passed me a note, more like slammed it, actually.

"Since when do you party?"

"Listen, I know this sounds very stupid, but I just had this need to get out of my house. I've been really caught up in my own world.  I had this need to just loose control for just some time, just so I could stop thinking about all that's been going on. And ugh, whatever. I know it was stupid."

She didn't reply back, and I felt too uneasy to ask her what she really thought. But I'll tell you what she really thought, she wishes that I had never dropped Jack, and never have went for Robert. Maybe if things were that way, maybe if the history would've been different, Grey and I would still be inseperable, sitting on a bench by the river, watching all the city lights beam and wonder why the world has a dark blue sky, and where the people are always busy running off to. But it isn't that way. And I did drop Jack, even though he seemed perfect to me. And by today, I really hate him. I hate him because I couldn't stop thinking about him until recently I mentally started to kick myself in the head whenever his name would pop up. While he was a huge part of my life, I was nothing but a little chapter of his. And while I'm over here, still fantasizing about our pretend conversations that we never had the chance to have, he's probably over there, having fan girls run around after him. I hated how he put himself out to be such a secretive person, because his life was oh so terrible, and I'm so terribly naive, and can't know anything about him because that would just ruin his perfect image. I hated how he practically pushed me out of his life just because he thought it was for my own good. But damn it, don't I get to decide things like that? Aren't I old enough to make my own damn decisions as to who's safe to go out with as opposed to who's not? What sucked the most is that Mike was good friends with him, in fact, he's who introdcued us. Mike would  talk about him all the time until I had to flat out tell him to stop, because even if Mike wasn't interested in getting over him, I was. So while everyone's pointing the finger at me, the finger should really be pointed at Jack, because it was HIS decision to let our story be a cliffhanger. I just decided to move on, and distract myself with Robert. Robert was just an innocent victim of my rebound, someone who Kris was undyingly in love with. It's a pity, because he really was a sore loser. He had an ego the size of the empire state building, I tell ya. And there's nothing that turns me off more than a guy with pride. He also flirted with every other girl, so I feel sorry for Kris on that one, because she really thought he was Prince Charming. But we all know that only exists in movies. And because of him, she became a bondefied whore. She slept with almost every guy who looks half decent. Oh, and the reason why Grey hates Kris? Kris almost tried to "steal" Jack away from me. She's very overprotective. What I hated most, though, was that whenever I was by Grey, I sort of had Jack in the back of my head. He ruined our friendship. I couldn't be with her if I wanted to get over Jack, because in a sense, Jack and Mike sort of helped build our friendship. They started off our inquisitive nature. Ugh, whatever. I don't want to think about this anymore, but what I do want is for Mike to pick up that phone!

"Wanna come by with me to pick up Ethan?" I asked, hoping she'd go, but also hoping that if she would go,she'd be in a better mood.
"Na, sorry. Going to go see James now. I'm thinking about moving in with him." She said blankly. Her eyes quite hollow.
"Say what?" I said, arching my eyebrow.
"Yeah, I decided I've had it. I wanna move in with him and start a family-"
"Quit it." Even though I love the idea of James with her, I don't love the idea of 'forever'. And that's what starting families meant.
"Sorry about that. Kind of forgot, you know. See ya."

I picked up Ethan, and had to run back to college. It was boxing practice. I was not too excited about going there because that would mean interacting with Gabriel. But I'm going to try speaking to Coach, we have a very good relationship. Hopefully he won't let me down.
"How's school, Ethan?" I said, smiling. I love how he looks with his bookbag. He looks so grown up.
"It was okay. Mrs Lowla said I have a talent."
"A talent? What kind?" I said, almost feeling like I barely know my brother. It wrenches my heart.
"She likes my stowies. She said I have can be an aufor someday. It made me smile because I love witing."
"Writing? Really? Can I read some of it, if you don't mind that is?" What would he write about? I want to dive into his mind, and feel what he feels. Thinks what he thinks. Perhaps this would help us communicate better.
"Sure wayven. Of couwse I'd let you wead them. It's about you." he started to giggle, I melted. He handed me the papers.

"Who is your role model?

My role model is my sister Raven. I want to be just like her when I grow up. She is smart, strong, and always watches cartoons with me. I love when she hugs me, even if not all the time. But I know she loves me because I see it in her eyes. She always takes care of me. I like her friend Mike. He reads books with me and makes me laugh. One day, I'll watch all her favorite shows with her too to show her how much I love her."


"You sure can write, Ethan," I started to tear. I always am weak aronud him, he knows exactly what to do or say to make me emotional.
"Don't cwy wayven, it was only a few sentences!" He said, patting my thigh. Suddenly, he's the parent and comforter, right?
"I love you, kiddo. You know that, right?"
"Of couwse I do," he was beaming.

We went to the boxing class together. I gave him my IPod to listen to, so I could work out and he wouldn't be too bored. I set up my tredmil, and started to run. And suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I shot a reflex, but good thing Gabriel wasn't at my arms reach.
"Can I talk to you?" he looked, with pleading eyes, searching for a stern look in my eyes.
"No."
"Are we still partners?"
"Not in about a few minutes. When Coach comes, I'm going to speak to him."
"What's with you? Why are you so angry?" he started to get impatient.
"I'm not angry. I just don't like you."
"And why is that?"
"Oh, I don't know. Probably because you're an arrogant, male whore, who feels like he got people all figured out?"
"Good enough." He shrugged.
"What is your deal with me, anyway? Why in the world do you care?"
He looked at Ethan, who was sitting beside the tredmil, and Ethan looked puzzingly from me to him.
"Is that your son?"
"No, you idiot. Thats my brother."
"He''s cute. Seems very innocent. Very smart."
"There you go again-"
"Sorry, I guess I just got the sixth sense."
"Who lied to you?" Playing with him was starting to get very easy. He was almost like my punching bag.
"Here, if you are so uncomfortable with being my partner, Coach is coming this way. We can speak to him together."
"Either you go or I go. Not together."
"Fine, you go. See how well it works for you. I doubt he'd like you questioning his choices." he said, smirking.
"I will go. And I will succeed. You don't know Coach like I do."
I walked up to Coach, hoping that I won't end up looking like a fool. It will completely ruin my bitchy facade.

"Under no means am I switching anyone around. Guess you'll have to just learn to live with it and deal." He said, not even flinching or wanting to hear me out.
"But Coach-"
"No buts. You're wasting mine and Gabriels time. Go and do something productive."

I turned to look at Gabriel, and there he stood, with his arms crossed, leg resting against the wall, waving his hand from the corner with a huge grin. He wants to play cute? I'll play cuter.

As I was sneaking out of the house, I felt wild, chaotic, unpredictable. If this is what it feels like to let loose, man,  have I been missing out! When Mike and Xavier pulled up, Mike jolted out of the car, dancing by himself with a beer in his hand. He is so full of life, how can anyone ever get bored of him? I ran up to hug him because suddenly, I forgot about life. There is nothing going on besides me showing appreciation to my best friend for never failing to be there for me. He looked sort of shocked, since I rarely do shower people with affection, but went along with it with no question.
"I missed ya too, Ravey. Now let's go. You wanna party? I'll show you a real party."
I grabbed the beer from his hand and started to jug it down. Maybe my taste buds are just messed up, but this stuff tastes revolting. How can people ever have a problem with quitting alcohol? I'd quit this in a second. But not this particular second. If this is what makes me completely get rid of all the tension and rigidness that I stand for, then this is going to be in my fluids.
"Whoa there tiger, don't you think you're jumping the gun just a tad bit too quickly? Just a tad?" Mike is all about jokes, all the time.
"No Mike, in fact, I'm just rather too slow. I've been missing out for the past 19 years of my entire life. And here I am, finally letting myself be human. Do you guys got another one laying around here, or do I gotta start searching some corner stores?" Mike and Xavier looked at each other with puzzled looks, shrugged, and handed me another beer. As we were driving, Xavier popped a pill, but I was too dazed out to sit and wonder exactly what he was doing.
We finally arrived, and boy, was I pumped! The music was intense, the people were all against each other, losing themselves in the music and the moment. As I was getting another drink, I noticed Kris standing on top of her kitchen table, dancing like she majored in striptease. But I would lie to myself if I didn't admit that despite all that bitchiness, she looks flawless. Her brown loose curls so long, it almost touches her rear end. Her hazel green eyes outlined with massive amount of eyeliner, which almost makes her eyes pop. She was wearing a mini skirt that only covered her crotch, ripped up fishnets, and a sparkly bra hidden under a plain white see-through tank top. But she walked away before I had a chance to talk to her, I had this need to just settle things with her. I hated having people dislike me for reasons that are completely mixed up. She thought I stole her boyfriend, but truth is, he never really was her boyfriend, and I never really ended up going out with him. But that's a whole other story that I promised myself I'd forget completely. I decided to drop the drink, and head straight to the dance floor, not caring whoever decides to start dancing with me. And that was it, time froze, nothing but me and the music. Sweat, heat, chaos. A bunch of college guys rubbing themselves against me, holding my body tightly and firmly, searching. One of them even leaned in for a kiss, and even though I'm extremely under the influence, I'm sober enough to not give myself completely away. It was starting to get too much for me to bear, so I decided to walk up the stairs, hoping there'd be a bathroom in there. I was starting to feel dizzy and nauseous. When I opened the first door I saw, and turned on the light, I gasped. Kris covered herself with blankets, while Gabriel looked straight into my eye.
"Sorry, uh.. continue what you were doing, don't mind me." I quickly shut the door and desperately wished for the next door to open up to be a bathroom. I don't know why I was so shocked in the first place. The fact that he knows Kris enough to be invited, let alone have sex with, or the fact that he is my partner for several weeks, and I have to pretend like I didn't see anything. I mean, all men have one night stands once in a while, don't they? Whatever it was, the thought was forced away. Because what came next was a raging episode of vomitting. I wasn't just throwing up vomit, though. I was throwing up all the fury, the disappointment, the anger, the hopelessness, the confusion, the agony I've been going through the past few weeks. And once it was over, just like when you cry yourself to sleep from the intensity of the tears, I felt drained out. There was nothing left in me, the feelings and disorder that was once bottled up, is empty. I felt hollow, completely see through. I was done with everything.
I picked myself up, and decided that from now on, I control what goes on in my life. Because you know what? I'm sick of caring about what is right from wrong, what's out of line or not. I walked up to Gabriel, who seemed completely done with what he was doing, since that's what one night stands are all about and clenched my fists.
"You. You will not be my partner anymore from this moment on. I do not respect men like you, I do not wish to associate myself with you, so this is the last time you'll ever hear any words of mine directing towards you." I walked away before he had a chance to retort, since of course, I couldn't care less what a man like him would have to say. I walked up to Kris to let her know I was here, besides, what's the worse thing she could do? Yeah, she hated my guts. Yeah, we have a pretty bad history. But I want to settle this stupid fued of ours once and for all. As I was walking up towards her, I noticed that she had something to tell me as well, since she was walking my direction.
"Rave, I don't know who died and invited you to my party, but you by no circumstance, belong here."
"Relax, barbie doll. I didn't come here to fight with you, or show any statement. I actually would love to talk about something that was never resolved." She arched an eyebrow, and that was only followed up with a chuckle.
"I have no interest in hearing what you have to say. But I tell ya what, if you walk out of here this very second, I'll forget that you actually were a loser enough to go out of your way to-"
"I did no steal you boyfriend. In fact, he was never mine to begin with. He's a loser. And I wish only horrible things upon him. I'm sorry that he broke your heart like he did, but I had nothing to do with it. In fact, I refuse to talk about what actually went on, because he is as insignificant as this stupid fued between us will ever be." She went silent, and since I finally said what I had to say, nothing else mattered. I don't need her to be my friend, I just don't want her to hate me for who I'm not. Now that she knows the full story, the choice is up to her, and it doesn't concern me anymore. I didn't see Mike anywhere, but it started to get very late, and I started to go back to my usual paranoid state. I phoned him, and he didn't pick up. For the very first time.
I called a cab home. Thankfully no one noticed that I was gone. I put on my comfortable pajamas, laid myself down and felt such comfortableness that I never felt before. And finally decided to call it a night. However, my dreams were about being chased again, and this time, it didn't stop. It actually continued on.

     As I was fleeing towards my house, I saw there were a few police cars parked in the driveway. What in the world is going on? I ran into the house, and saw everybody sitting in the living room. And as my eyes started scanning the house, my heart started to race, blaring. There were glass beer bottles broken into pieces, scattered all over the floor, a broken broom disjointed by the corridor, and Mother crying on the corner of the couch. One of the cops were investigating the room, while the other was asking a bunch of questions to Ethan.

"Hi, are you Raven?" I nodded robotically, not even thinking about what he was actually saying, "It seems there was a little scandal going on while you were away. The neighbors heard lots of screaming and smashing, so they called 911. It appears that your father was drunk, and we believe that he might have hurt both your mother and brother." 

My heart froze. I couldn't move. My eyes slowly floated towards my brother, and when I actually looked at him, I noticed a big bruise on his cheek. I became furious. Something in the pit of my stomach started to turn, and my fingers started to feel cold. Why was I away at a time like this? I should've picked up my brother from school on my own, I shouldn't have let him stay here without me keeping him company. I started loathing everything around me. Especially Mother, for not leaving Father in this stupid, pointless, good for nothing relationship. I hate people like her. People who are so weak and crippled when it comes to emotions. She lets it control her life. 

"So what's going to happen? Are you going to take my father away? Or my brother? Just cut to the chase, please." The cop should know better than relax and take his time. Why do people do that when situations get serious?
 
"Not exactly. According to your brother, your father didn't really intentionally hit him, he just fell. But we're not exactly sure how accurate that is. Therefore we're going to call child services and investigators to make sure everything is going as should in a household. We actually have a few questions to ask you as well," the cop said, all matter-of-factly. 

I'm really not in the mood to sit and play questionnaire with this guy, I rather just hug my brother, pack my stuff, and leave. I've just about had it with all this useless drama in this house. I know Father wouldn't have hurt Ethan, but the thought of that was enough to get me out of here. Who knows what he's capable of? alcoholics are unpredictable. As far as I know, my father is a zombie. He's been sucked into my mother's world ever since they got married. I used to hate him, because of Mother's manipulation, of course. Back when I was younger, Mother would take me and my brother out after an argument. She would sit and tell us how horrible he was, and being a child, I always had such a black and white picture of the world. It's either black or white, there's always a bad guy and a good guy in every situation. And my father was a bad guy. I mean, can you blame me? I was a kid, I wasn't able to think for myself just yet. All I saw was the outcome, since my father didn't do things just perfect, he should get blamed. Shouldn't he have? And slowly but surely, he became more and more lifeless as the years went by. Drowning himself into alcohol, heck, I wouldn't be shocked if he's hooked on drugs either. Where else would half the money be gone to? It's funny how I used to even take care of my parents as a kid. It's as if I inherited this life, fate. Whenever their fights would start to get violent, I would be in the middle trying to stop them. Sort of like a referee. And when I felt they were calming down, I ran to my brother, holding his hand, waiting for him to fall asleep, and calm down. Sometimes, I would fall asleep with him since it would take hours for him to feel safe enough to doze off.

"If you don't mind, Officer, I will answer questions later. I'm going to take my brother out, and uh.. you can go ahead and continue with your work here," I took Ethan, grabbed my wallet, and bounced. We went to the park by my house, and sat down by the swings. I faced my head straight, so Ethan wouldn't notice me staring at him. He looked very spaced out, like he did back in school. I really don't know how to confront him about it, to maybe have him talk to me and tell me what's been on his mind, he's not the type to open up. He really doesn't have many friends, either. I can't help but want to cry. But I take a huge gulp to swallow it down, I can't be weak in front of Ethan, he wouldn't have anyone else to rely on. But I've had such a long, hard day, that it seems almost harder to hold back my tears than it is to run that extra mile.
 
"Ethan, what really happened back there?" I almost regretted letting that out, my voice was cracking. He looked down, facing the carpetted floor.

"Mommy hit daddy again. It was about money and about mommy doing everything. Daddy threw bottles at the wall, so she would stop yelling. And one of the glasses hit my cheek when I fell." I stood up to hug him, "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, I really am. I promise I'll take you out from now on, ok? I don't want you to stay there without me. I'm really sorry," I started shaking and my tears started coming out. Darn it. It was silent for a little while as we were aimlessly walking around the park. And when it hit really dark, I decided we should go home. When we entered, I walked right past both my parents, who were sitting quietly, zoned into their television,  as if nothing happened, as if they had a fabulous day. I felt like Ethan should sleep with me today, so we can watch a cartoon or something to ease his mind. I sat up a matress next to me while he put on his ducky pajamas. He sat on the corner of his matress with his arms wrapped around his legs and while I put on Cartoon Network. When I lazily leaped to my bed, I observed him savor those little toons running around. Ethan has a solid innocence to him despite all he goes through, I find it endearing.  I especially love when he chuckles and giggles on the most feeble jokes, just because his laugh looks so animated, and his cheeks dominate his face. I fell asleep that night dreaming about being chased. This has been a reoccuring dream for several days. I always wake up in the middle of the night with sweat rolling down my back. And today, just like the past few days, I didn't fall back asleep. I couldn't, due to so much going through my mind lately. I won't be surprised if I end up having black heavy bags under my eyes within a few days. Thank goodness I don't care enough to attract guys. I never put much thought to my looks, it takes too much effort to care.  I went to the kitchen to make myself some hot coffee, and turned on my laptop. I went to my favorite site, which of course, Grey introduced to me as well. It's all about art and expression in there, it's a place where you let your imagination run wild. The artists there aren't really all that famous, but I always felt like underground talents were always the best. I turned on my Lifehouse CD, and just relaxed. This is something I like to do in my spare time, but not too often, so I wouldn't get sick of it. Suddenly, I felt comfortable with myself. Like things aren't all that bad. It's what art does to me. I have thousands of pictures saved on my favorites. I don't just favorite any picture, though, I favorite something that touches me in some sort of way. Perhaps a warm memory, or a hidden feeling. I always thought art of a way to express thoughts that words weren't able to do. Some pictures can carry a whole story, that a book would never be able to tell, even in thousands of pages. Don't get me wrong, I love books as well, but art.. art is different. But art wasn't the only thing I held dear to me. If you search well into my computer, you'll find a hidden folder of all the quotes that have altered my life in even the slightest way. Some of them are from celebrities, even though I'm ashamed of that fact. Some are from philosophers, or just shows that I love, such as Grey's Anatomy. Others I found in books that are precious to me. Everytime I fall in love with a book I pick out from a library, I buy a special edition just to keep a collection in my house. I need to own it, just so I feel like if one day it ever becomes extinct, I still am in touch with it in one way or another. I don't like letting go of things that are close to me, it feels like a part of me goes missing. And I need all of me, by my side, all the time. That's normal, isn't it? I think it is. 
    I decided to phone Mike despite how sleepy I was getting, and despite the hour of the night. Mikey never really minds, he's one of those people who're available for me throughout any day or circumstance. Besides, this is really important, since it is about Ethan. 
"Ravey! What's up?! Hold on," I hear lots of music and partying in the background, but it's getting quieter and quieter.. "Isn't it like.. past your bedtime?"
"Very funny, Mikey. Where the heck are you?"
"In uh.. a party?"
"Kris's isn't it? Whatever. I need your help."
"Shoot."
"Well Ethan is really upset again, and seems really.. I hate to say it, but depressed lately. I don't know how to confront him about it, and you seem like the only person who knows how to handle these situations."
"You know I'd be there, but don't you think it's sort of late?"
"Not right now, obviously! Wait, who are you with?"
"Xavier. I'm so zoned out right now, I think I  had too much to smoke."
"You're smoking now? Since when??"
"Since uh.. I don't know. Don't worry though, I'm starting to sober up, I think."

And suddenly, I had the perfect idea. Well, not perfect. But something that would help me stop thinking for at least a little while.

"Can you pick me up?"
"What? Is this Raven?"
"Yes! It's me! Quit it, I just want to give it a try. I mean, I'm a Party Prude, you know that. I'm just.. I need some time away."
"Oh, no. I don't want to be the one to take that virginity. The last thing I wanna be is a bad influence."
"Oh please, pretty please Mikey, with rainbow sprinkles on top," I was actually shocked at myself as well, but that's it, I'm not thinking anymore.
"But Kris will-"
"So what! There are probably so many people there, she would hardly notice I'm there. Come on Mikey, I'm already getting dressed," I lied.
"All right, fine. I'll get Xavier to drive with me."
"Thank you, I knew I can count on you!!"

Now.. to pick which outfit to wear. I felt a little sense of guilt coming along, since I have so much to do tomorrow. But nothing stopped me now. I'm invincible again.    

Ugh! Ok, back to reality. Summer is almost over, and when I didn't spend my time having exclusive, therapy sessions with my parents, I spent my time training. Training for my boxing team, training for my piano lessons, training my body to be toned and fit, and studying random information, just in case it ever comes up in class. I mean I am entering a whole new world- second year of college. It's always good to be three steps ahead of where people expect you to be at. Truth be told, I really feel like I need to be this way. I need to have my life on track, because I'm scared to think that if for one second, I let go of my control, well... there goes my life. Perhaps I should squeeze in some Grave Preparations, just in case I do end up dying this year. Because if there is one place I am not too excited to go to, it's Preston University, or what I'd like to call, "Couldn't Get More Dangerous Than This." Everyone there could seriously get together and make up their own dictionary. I mean, they'd swear to their life that bad actually means good, by normal definition. Sluts are dateable, virgins are gross, or what they call, "the untouchables." Showing up in class with homework means you're a failure, a loser. And everyones day only begins at night. If you're confused, that's ok. That makes two of us.Ohhhhh yeah! Halleluiah, Praise the Lord!!!! I see Grey coming towards our direction, with her two year boyfriend, James. If there is any couple that would last forever, it would be them. But of course, they're only amazing in their own weird way. "Hey Shrimp," Hames calls out with a smirk on his face. He loves teasing me for my lack of tallness. But I don't care, it doesn't phase me. I always tell them, I know I'm not short, everyone else is just abnormally tall. "Hi Lobster," I crack myself up. We do our funny handshake that no one else has ever mastered. It's something we made up back when I was finally starting to accept that he will be a permanent part of Greys' life. Yes, we were actually best friends before he ever existed, and now, I cannot picture her being single. It was so hard for me to acknowledge the fact that I won't be number one anymore, but I had to let it go. I always do in the end anyway. "Lobster? Cute Raven, very cute," Grey says, smiling not with her lips, but with her face. She knows how to do that somehow, and everytime she does, I feel so giddy inside. I know I sound like a lesbian right abouw now, but I promise I'm not. We just have a really interesting friendship, that's all. It's kind of funny watching Grey around James. For someone who is completely cold and distant, is such a mush ball when it comes to James. It makes me sick sometimes. I mean, did you ever hear about keeping all that stuff exclusively between your partner? All right, fine, I'll admit it. In a sense, I love watching them completely alter their personalities for each other. It's as if their true self comes out, something they always hide amongst other people. It's as if they are one, and not two seperate beings. Wait, is this coming out from my head? If I could, I'd stab my brain right about now.
"Did you hear about our new English teacher?" Grey finally distangled herself from James, letting him talk to the guys while we slowly parted away. "Another one" I'm afriad Mr Fischer is eventually going to run out of people to ask for that position."
"Could be, but I heard that she's from Uptown. Rich. Spoiled. Ugh.. all these new teachers to afjust to constantly... it's starting to get just slightly annoying."
"I say we skip. I want to go see how my brother's doing, buy him some lunch. I need to talk to you anyway."
     There's no one in this world that knows me better than Grey, not even myself. Who in the world, besides her of course, with a functioning brain would have the patience to hear my rants and rambles about everything and nothing? She's calm and laid back, despite her tough looking appearance. I don't think she owns anything that looks even remotely alive. Everything she wears is either torn, faded, destroyed somehow, and dark. And despite that too, she is what I call Drop Dead Gorgeous. Slim, tall. And even though she's very pale, her skin is consummate. Not one pore or pimple would dare pop on her face. Her hair, just like her clothes, is very dark. She cut it recently to  right above her chin. And even though I'd never have the guts to cut my hair off like that, I still totally respect her risk taking nature. She is not scared of anyone or anything. Her almond shaped eyes are hazel, and hollow. Trying to depict her mood is quite impossible, even for James. She has these two scars on her face that complete her look, as if it was predestined to be that way. She never told me where those scars came from, except about the fact that she had them as a kid, but I never dared to ask her. If there's one thing she loves doing openly, it's story-telling. She has an incredible way of recapping what goes on in her life, you almost feel like there's not one person who wouldn't be able to relate. You can paint the pictures running in your head, as the words flow right out of her mouth, sentence by sentence. But it seems the more she tells them, the more mysterious she seems to be. Like the fact that I rarely ever come over her house, and when I do, no one is ever home. It always reeks from alcohol and ciggerates though, and again, I don't dare ask. We never stay there for too long anyway. 
"Why don't we pick up Ethan with Father's bike?" Gray asks as she picks a ciggerate from her pocket. "I don't think it's a great idea..  Don't wanna scare the kids away, ya know." Her fathers bike does not have one bare spot that isn't convered with skulls. They're plastered everywhere. It's also broken. Everytime she would turn on the engine, heavy metal music would start blaring, and there's no way to turn it off. Besides, I would never want Ethan to be around that thing, it's enough that he cries because of my parents quarreling. I wouldn't want him to cry from nightmares too.
"Yeah, whatever. Let's just walk then. We have plenty of time." She started telling me yet another story of just how perfect her and James are. It always makes me wonder if I'll ever find someone so perfect for me. But I already concluded before, I will never get married. Might as well become a doctor when I grow up and make my office my home. At least I'll be saving lives rather than creating yet another broken home. It would be a more meaningful life.
When we finally got there, I noticed how everyone in the class were playing around, eating snacks, while Ethan sat quietly in the back corner, concentrating on what was going on outside the backyard of the school through the window. What's up with him lately? I was starting to wonder if five year old can really become depressed. I asked the teacher if he can be excused for a little, and when she nodded her head,  Ethan came running towards us, in almost a split of a second. "Wayven! Gway!" He gave us such a tigh hug around our legs, it's as if he hasn't seen us in ages. "Where is Mike?" He says, while pouting his tiny lips. Ethan loves Mike. Mike has never failed to have Ethan rolling around laughing, or making him comfortable enough to speak about his day or the random picture books he read with Mike. What can I say, Mike is just made to be a pretend older brother. I love him for that too, because sometimes I feel the same way. Mike was always there for me when I had emotional breakdowns, joking his way through so that maybe I could smile for just one bit. We always had sleep overs, watching movies that Ethan would pick out, staying up late and talking about nothing important at all. He always helped me stop thinking too deeply into things. I love him for that. "Mike's in school right now, but you might see him late on," that is, if he's not too busy smooching that new punk boyfriend of his. I gave Ethan his lunch, gave him one last hug and kiss, and watched him walk away very slowly back to his seat. He seemed to have no interest on the food, and was lost into space again, looking out that same window.

I'm so tired. Me and Margarita have been walking for like, 3 ish hours on the boardwalk. STFU. She's hot, I'd fuckin' bang her. So you can't be joking when you say that. Her breasts were all out, and she was wearing tight jeans, and I was like daaayumm. [lmaooo. I'm so lesbian.] But yeah, she's really cool. We caught up for the most part, and we are very veery similar. I'm so jealous of her not only because she's a total hottie, but because she's going to go dorming in a suite in Stony Brook, and starting her own life. That sounds like a lot of fun. We both agreed that we have inner demons in us, trying to get wild even though we're both really shy and shit. But she went all out, she got a tattoo on her back, 11 inches long. She has around 12 piercings, and shit. I'm like dayum girl don't you think you'd regret it. No, not her. She's way too laid back/apathetic. I like that about her, but at the same time, I'm sure she's a baby inside. Well, I know she is. I've known her for like 4 yars. Definitely want to hang out with her more.

Anyways, besides that, I also cleaned around and went food shopping for the house. Tomorrow I'm going to go working with my dad, and hopefully, go to gym after. Maybe. It depends on how much I walk around tomorrow since that's what you do allll day in that job. I'm starting to slim down, and I'm liking it. It's not as hard as I put it out to be. OH also, today I went to my doctor, and she was basically lasering and shit. So I had take off my clothes. And she was like DAMN I've never seen breasts like those that are natural!!!! You should be a model. And I'm I know rigggght. I really want to, but knowing myself, I'd never go through with it. It's just the inner demon in me I was speaking about.

I feel really laid back today for some reason. I think I'm just really excited about the fact that I'm going to be spending a lot of time either working, working out, hanging out with people I like, or being alone at home, which I lovelovelove.

Oh, also. Nana is an idiot. Seriously. Basically this is what happened: Saturday I was cleaning at home for passover. And I was already done by like 3ish, and Nana called and was like let's chill. I didn't want to, so I was like oh yeah I'm cleaning, sort of can't. And she got upset cause she didn't have anyone to hang out with, but whatever. So today I was walking in Mandees, waiting for Margarita to come, and Nana called again. And she was like daaaaaaaaaaaaaam yesterday was crazy, and I'm like what happened? And she was like "basically saturday after I called you, Taras called me and asked if I wanted to do Ecstacy. So I came over, and I took it and I felt soo hyper. I starting making out with his girlfriend, and then i started making out with his friend, Peter. And I ended up sleeping in the same bed as him." And I'm like to her ".....you're nuts. I'm so glad I didn't come that day." But before that, like the last time we hung out I was like to  her "Yeah, I feel like a bitch, cause I hurt brandon's feelings since I acted on impulse, i'm really acting on impulse lately." and she was like "oh, so do i. can't you tell." And when she called me today, i mentioned that to her and I was like "....maybe you should stop acting on impulse, it doesn't seem to work out too well for you." Whatever, she's just really going to hit rock bottom eventually. Maybe this is how she copes with the breakup, maybe this is what her own individual self wants, who knows. All I know is that she's definitely not someone who will find me interesting, cause eventually she'll see there's not much to me than meets the eye, and that my life would be boring to her cause it doesnt involve staying out late, smoking, drinking, p artying, boys, etc etc. So whatever. I'll just wait til that happens.

Other than that, I'm just chilling. Going to pee for the 3rd time this hour, going to cuddle up in my chair, and just see what's up on TV. No one's going to be home till 11 so WOOT WOOT.

I think this is hilarious.

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can't help but wish that I was there
Back where I'd love to be, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
’Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

There's nothing here for me on this barren road
There's no one here while the city sleeps
and all the shops are closed
Can't help but think of the times I've had with you
Pictures and some memories will have to help me through, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
’Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in, to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold
when hope begins to fade...

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need the person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
’Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

I got so caught up on dA on the previous entry that I forgot to let Brandon know that I truly do wish him luck on that exam. And on his future. I'm really proud that he got this far, and is working so hard to move on. Knowing his personality, it is such a big progress to know that he got this far this fast. Very proud. Just keep working on it, keep your head high, and hope. I also really wish him the best to be brighter, be in contact with himself. I hope he doesn't spend all summer working, he deserves to go out and meet new friends! Don't let anything stop you. And don't be that zombie that you know doesn't fit you.

Look what I posted up on dA:

"Does the key to your heart still work?"

Fuck my life. Seriously. I don't care about anything anymore. fuck my liffffffffffffeeeeeeeeee hardstyleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I don't know why I bothered to write. At the moment, I want to just run away. Seriously. I'm tired. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of having to disagree and have a different opinion about everything. This livejournal is NOT helping me. We're just all being selfish, and waiting until the other person agrees with us. I really want to be left alone now. I'm so drained out of life, that I do not wish to be drained out any more. What does God fucking expect out of me? What does he want from me? I don't want to deal with this anymore. And I know I'm being selfish, but whatttttttt cannnn I doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

I just want to enjoy my life is that too much to ask? I honestly don't think I have my own opinion of anything anymore. Please leave me alone. I will refrain from writing or speaking to people much for the next few days to just calm down.


eh. All I gain from livejournal right now, is that you're miserable. Wonderful. What can I do? I can't help you be happy if you're not willing to be happy yourself. Good luck with your exam. Stop mixing your school life with a relationship. That's one of the main reasons why relationships are not good now. Whatever. People in my house are yelling now. Great. Honestly, I don't know what you expect me to do. I don't know what to do to be nice. I don't know what to do that would feel right for you.









My parents whining is going to kill me. *Bella, please relax.*

K. Now, I cannot speak to you. Livejournal is DIRECT ENOUGH. Alyssa is DIRECT enough. That's how I'm COMPRIMISNG. I'm sorry you didn't realize that earlier. I'm trying my best. I'm trying to indirectly help you by giving you numbers, by giving you quotes that would help you calm down, positive energy. I want to give up. For now, I'll just go.

That I'm an interesting person, logical and mature. Wise.

Parents- nothing.

Siblings-....nothing.

The truth. Any person deserves to know.

Not at all. I'm as talkative, as comfortable, as I am in real life.

Who knows? I really would love to think there's a hell and heaven.

My boyfriend gave me a cell phone, since my parents dont allow us to be together, so our relationship was a secret. Like a dumbass, I left my purse in the car. And when my boyfriend was calling, my father heard the cell ring, and found out.

I just finished reading Naruto, and finally, something interesting happened! Since the father said that the guy with the mask has created the demon fox, then he lied to sasuke about everything. because the masked guy told sasuke that konoha was blaming the whole destruction of the village on the uchiha clan, and the masked guy was a part of it. ahh! that evil bastard. i cant wait to see what happens next.

" our dilemma is that we hate change
& love it @ the same time,
what we really want is for things to remain the same
but get better. "

I really like that quote. It really explains "change" in it's best contact when it comes to humans. Change is change, it can be good or bad, but that's ALL up to you. So I'm going to make my change good...somehow.


" when you throw dirt, you lose ground. "

I like this one too. Face it - all you have is a ground you can stay on. Whether it's filled with grass, dirt, flowers, or shit. But if you keep throwing things away, all you'll have is less things to hold on to. In other words, be happy with what you have. Cause if you had less than what you got, you'll regret ever complaining in the first place. You'll lose ground.


" It's scary though, that moment you
decide you're going to quit fighting
the feeling. Quit avoiding the issue.
When you give in and let him love
you and you let yourself love him.
And yeah, it's not going to be
perfect everyday, but dang.
Everyday is damn near perfect. "

That's how I feel about relationships. Nothing will be perfect, ever. It can be near perfect, and that to me is just as good. And it's quite frickin scary to risk you emotions to it, but if the person returns the favor, then you're in good hands. Iono, though. I still reallllly don't think the real strong feeling of love doesn't come till after marraige. Well, you can love before marriage, but it doesnt compare till the feeling after marriage, if done properly. Because when you're married, you create a living being together, you fix problems together, you go home to each other, you argue endlessly, and fix them nonestop. But before marriage, it's all puppy stuff, honestly. But whatever, work with what you got, and for now, it can just be potential.


" If somebody likes me,
I want them to like me for the real me.
Not what they think I am.
And I don't want them to carry it around inside.
I want them to show me, so I can feel too.
I want them to be able to do
whatever they want around me.
-The Perks Of Being A Wallflower "

I like that quote a lot. That's exactly how I feel, which is why I consder myself such a blunt, open person. With anyone. But I guess there are certain people who don't accept the type of lifestyle I want to live, so that pretty much sucks. No one said you had to like me, though, I'm ok with that. As long as  I know I'm living the life I know would make me extremely happy in the long run.


" It's like you've taken half myself away with you.
-Edward Cullen "

Self explanatory. I do feel quite blank. Distractions can help you for only so long. But when I go to sleep now, all I feel is ...shit. And for what reason, I don't know why. Possibly because I hurt brandon and my father. And no matter what I do next, I'll still continue hurting them. mmmmmmmhm. Wonderful person I am.


" The funny thing is, nobody ever really knows how much anybody else is hurting. We could be standing next to someone who is completely broken, and we wouldn’t even know.  "

It's sad to say how true that is. That's why I try my very best to give everyone a chance with friendship. I don't judge at allllll. Some people think I'm crazy about that, but I truly, deeply, believe that no one had bad intentions deep down inside. I believe that we're all good, just confused, and emotional about our hurtings. Ahh, life can be so hard sometimes. All you can do is try though.


" It's you. When all my dreams come true, the one I want next to me is you.
-One Tree Hill  "

Yup. Because I know in the end, he'd be geniunely happy for me, too.


"We're all going the same way.
We're just taking different roads to get there. "

We really do want a sense of satisfaction in the end, don't we? People just have to accept that different people have different personalities, that come along with different things that make them happy.

"the most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
it takes up a lot of your time, and what do you get
at the end of it? a death. what's that, a bonus? i think
the life cycle is all backwards. you should die first, get it out of the way. then you live in an

So my motivation has struck back. And I am not putting it to waste!

I'm going to write down a list of questions that I must answer everyday. Woo hoo, sounds fun, right?

1. Have you went to school today? How was it?

2. Have you found about your job(s) yet?

3. Did you clean at all today, if so, what?

4. Did you drink a lot of water today? And cut down on soda, increase herbal teas?

5. Did you keep a substantial diet, what'd you have?

6.Were you positive today? Name 5 things you're happy about.

7. How's your relationship to Brandon? Do you feel you're doing your best with him?

8. Did you take care of your looks today?

9. Did you learn something today? What?

10. Did you motivate yourself to continue the good work?

11. Did you ask your parents for any help?

12. Did you shower today?

13. Did you do the cellulite treatment while showering?

14.Did you brush your teeth twice today?

15. Did you use peroxide today? And the facial scrub?


- Nails-  once every two weeks.
- Hair- straighten only once a week.
- Spring cleaning once a week.
- Cook something new once every two weeks, at least.
-Bleach once a week.
- tweeze eyebrows once a week

*Make sure to keep up diet. Start with 1200 cals a day.
*Make sure to find out about the job.
*Make sure to get the shampoo Snyper suggested, and learn how to blow dry.